02 - on being 25 and having very little figured out
June 7th, 2025
I have a lot of ideas for where I want to take this blog. But I keep coming back to the fact that this moment in my life — this exact transition period — is something I really want to document. Because I know that in hindsight, it will be so hard to remember the rawness of how it all felt at the time. And maybe, one day, I'll look back and be glad I captured it.
So far, I have felt like my twenties are a series of one semi-clear decision or vision after the other. I never have a clear direction, just a gut that likes to speak up every now and then. Most decisions feel like calculated chaos — a mix of intuition and guesswork, with no long-term vision tying it all together. That is something that simply does not exist for me: long-term vision. Goals are hard, especially the faraway ones. How am I supposed to know what I’m going to want in 5, 10 years? I will be a completely different person! Living in a completely different world!
Every other day, I wake up thinking I want to start a startup. Or I want to open a small boutique hotel in the mountains of Jamaica. Or I want to be a stylist. Or an interior designer. Or move to Australia for a year and do the work visa there. My mind is constantly tossing around new ideas, new possibilities, which is exciting, but also heavily dizzying.
I suppose that’s part of the tension I’m sitting with. On paper, my degrees and professional experiences look quite traditional — the kind that funnel you toward office jobs. But deep down, there’s this insatiable feeling that I want to experience the world, not just sit behind a desk. I love being in nature, moving my body, spending my days outside — which is probably why I can’t quite picture myself in an office all day.
And yet, I know I’ll probably end up in one. And maybe that’s exactly what needs to happen. I need to have that experience before I can really know how I feel about it. And don't get me wrong, I have been able to do a lot of experiencing (outside). I would say it's quite addicting — the connections you make, the way that you are able to grow, wild and free. Explore yourself without the influence of your normal environment, surrendered to the quiet pull of the universe at work.
That’s how I’ve learned best — through these experiences. That’s how I love to grow. So it feels a bit hard to walk away from the possibility of this freedom. Everyone has advice for me, and, sometimes, I ask for it, but if I followed every piece of advice I’ve read in books or heard from well-meaning people, I’d probably be living in metaphorical bubble wrap right now.
The truth is: we’re all living such different lives. The advice that’s right for me may not be right for you, and vice versa. But through these experiences I describe (outside, which I definitely will write about in the future), I have been able to learn so many lessons for myself.
My mom says I’m stubborn — that I don’t listen to anyone else’s opinions about what I should do with my life (for context, I’m graduating with my master’s this July). But honestly, why would I? I’m the only one who knows what I want, what feels right for me.
And yes, Mom, I admit I’m not entirely clear on what I want yet either. But I trust that clarity will come through exploration, through time. However, time is not exactly on my side. In the meantime, sitting with this uncertainty is quite unnerving. But I know a few months or a year from now, I’ll probably look back and wonder why I worried at all. But change is hard. And also inevitable. You’d think I’d be used to it by now.
And the job search? It’s no joke. The stats are wild — apparently, it takes around 400 applications, on average, to land a job. I’m about 90 applications in so far.
But the bright side is: this process is helping me narrow down the industries I’m actually interested in. Before, I was more like a feather in the wind.
Another silver lining: I’ve started reaching out to people — friends of friends, family connections, acquaintances — in industries that intrigue me. And I’ve been amazed by how kind and generous people have been.
I’ve been living away from home for a long time now, often far from the familiar comforts of family and old friends. So when I see or feel people genuinely trying to help me — with no expectation of anything in return — it touches me in a way that’s hard to put into words. Those moments of kindness soften something in me. I’m deeply grateful to witness this kind of kindness— whether or not it ever leads to a job. And those are the moments that stay with me, far beyond this season.
I still don’t know exactly where I’m headed. But for now, I’m learning to be okay with that — and to submit to the process a little more each day.
This whole process is pushing me way out of my comfort zone. I’m terrible at selling myself. I hate asking for help. I don’t want to bother anyone or make them uncomfortable by asking for assistance. But here I am — learning, growing, building resilience.
And yes — confronting my rejection issues head-on. Definitely not my favorite thing.
I am very lucky — and privileged to be in this position. This same time last year, I had just finished the Camino, told my parents I was no longer going to law school, but had little time to apply to other master's programs. I was in Atlanta for my brother's graduation, and one day, while applying to programs, I broke down in front of my dad. Bawling. “I don't know what I'm going to do with my life,” I sobbed.
He sat me down and looked me in the eye so calmly, in true PJ fashion, and said, “Sof, what's the worst that can happen? You move home and work there? That's not so bad.”
That very much put things into perspective for me.
After writing this, I realize just how much I’ve learned through this process — through these moments of uncertainty. The little actions we take each day to step outside our comfort zones really do add up, and this season of my life is definitely pushing me to do that.
I need to be more proud of myself, too. I have been stepping out. Could I do more? Of course — but we can always do more.
I’m proud of you, Sof.
And hey — if you’ve done even one small thing outside your comfort zone lately, I hope you’re proud of yourself too.
P.S. Writing always helps me. If you’ve been thinking about it, maybe give it a try :) And if you’re in a season of uncertainty too — I’d love to hear how you’re navigating it.
Love always,
Sof
